Grief

It is said that we grieve in stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. The Kübler-Ross model doesn't suggest that there's a specific order or that they are equal in length, but rather that we cycle through these five stages as a way to cope when we experience great loss.

I experienced a horrible unexpected loss yesterday. There's no greater pain than that phone call telling you that someone you love is gone. My big brother, always so happy- so full of knowledge and stories and laughter...was run over by a taxi driver while he waited for the bus. He was taken from us, in an instant, without time for a "goodbye" or an "I love you."

As I made my kids a lunch of vegetarian Sloppy Joe that he had taught me, I got that earth shattering call. I stopped, and was knocked from my feet, as if I had been clubbed down. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I felt a gaping hole in my chest: emptiness- a void in the space reserved for him in my heart.

Surely there's some mistake? Not my brother- I argued. Denial.
I asked God to undo it, offering a lifetime of devout servitude. Bargaining.
I cried uncontrollably, my hands shook, I couldn't stand, and I screamed out how unfair it is, as if I was reprimanding God. Anger.
Then I was immobilized. I did't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying. Depression.

I am transitioning over and over again through the stages of grief desperately longing for the "acceptance" stage, so that I can find some peace and comfort in this seemingly senseless tragedy.

As I tearfully replaced the summer clothes we just packed in our suitcases for our upcoming Disney trip with winter clothes for our trip to Pittsburgh for the funeral, I thought about the last time I hung out with my brother. Last summer he went with me to the tattoo parlor and I teased him that everyone thought he was my dad. He fussed at the staff for being slow and charging too much. We looked through the tattoo books and laughed and had so much fun just sitting in the waiting area. That was him. Everything was more fun just because he was there. I'm so glad to have had him for the time that I did, but so hurt that I won't make more memories like those.

Sometimes life just throws a curveball and it changes everything. A friend that experienced a similar loss said that these moments forever define your life into halves "before and after". You'll never be the same, but the "after" must still have some meaning in order for us to continue.  We mustn't take the time we have here for granted.

I know my brother loved me and he was proud of me. I want to continue to make him proud and to live life to the fullest, making sure that everyone I love knows how much I do.

Just as soon as I come to "acceptance."